buckybarnes:

languageoclock:

what’s heavier, a kilogram of steel, or the pressure my parents put on me to perform well academically?

spaghettipup:

me: hi how are you?

customer: im returning this

me: *slaps my ass loud enough to deafen them* i said how are you

thejakelikesonions:

Don’t compare yourself to others

the-pesci-mode:

acoolguy:

he’s licking his lips…

he’s checking it twice…

Five minutes left, on his microwave rice

snaacks:

sobeitjay:

Me: Damn ima be single forever

Person: Dont say that you’re a great catch anybody would be lucky enough to have you

Me: Would you cuff me?

Person:

this post ran me over in front of a catholic church i-